I'm sorry I've been acting distant since the accident. I told you not that long ago that I'd changed since the journey I'd been on, and I guess that wasn't really as true as I thought it was. When faced with trauma, I reverted back to the person I used to be — someone numb, distant, apathetic to the world and people around me. That wasn't fair to you, especially with how good you've been to me. I want to be able to be open with you, and not just block you out because it's easier to be closed off than it is to feel emotions. I want to be better than the person I was.
Back home, when I faced the foe that killed me, I had time to prepare for the inevitability that I would die. When I was lying in my room bleeding out on the floor that night, it was so sudden, so out of nowhere — I wasn't ready to die again yet. There was still so much left that I wanted to do, so many things I wanted to experience with you, and with the other friends I've made here. Back then, my death had a purpose, yet here, it would have been snuffed out like just another candle in the wind. Pointlessly. Unfairly. Like my parents, or Shinjiro, or Mitsuru's father, or Chidori. It was terrifying to me. So I did what I do, and I pretended everything was okay instead. I numbed myself out, and I felt nothing. It was easier.
So I guess what I want to say is that I'm not okay, and it's okay that I'm not okay. People shouldn't be okay after a near death experience. But you didn't deserve to have me push you away. That wasn't right of me, and I'm sorry. Thank you for taking me into your space until I recover. I appreciate you, Adrian. You mean a lot to me. I hope I can be better to you in the future.
You needn't explain yourself to me, though know that I deeply appreciate it. You have bore your heart and soul to me time and again, and each time I am reminded to carefully hold your trust in me. Neither of us are without our respective flaws.
Would you like for me to come see you, or do you need your own privacy for now? I would understand either way.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
8/16ish??, @tatsuya
Back home, when I faced the foe that killed me, I had time to prepare for the inevitability that I would die. When I was lying in my room bleeding out on the floor that night, it was so sudden, so out of nowhere — I wasn't ready to die again yet. There was still so much left that I wanted to do, so many things I wanted to experience with you, and with the other friends I've made here. Back then, my death had a purpose, yet here, it would have been snuffed out like just another candle in the wind. Pointlessly. Unfairly. Like my parents, or Shinjiro, or Mitsuru's father, or Chidori. It was terrifying to me. So I did what I do, and I pretended everything was okay instead. I numbed myself out, and I felt nothing. It was easier.
So I guess what I want to say is that I'm not okay, and it's okay that I'm not okay. People shouldn't be okay after a near death experience. But you didn't deserve to have me push you away. That wasn't right of me, and I'm sorry. Thank you for taking me into your space until I recover. I appreciate you, Adrian. You mean a lot to me. I hope I can be better to you in the future.
no subject
Would you like for me to come see you, or do you need your own privacy for now? I would understand either way.
no subject
But only if you want to.
no subject
I will be by shortly.