I still think about it. Being forced to kill my own father. I don't... [Adrian looks away.] There are days I am tempted to sleep my days away. I almost did in Wallachia, until Trevor told me not to. I'd have made my father's castle my own eternal tomb if he hadn't said anything.
[Adrian hesitates, then he finally reaches out to rest over Alucard's wrist.]
I shouldn't have been so flippant with you. But at the same time... I don't want for you to die. I know that's a bit selfish.
I can't blame you for wanting to sleep, but selfishly I'm glad you still wake. I suppose that makes both of us selfish.
[ he turns his hand slightly in response to adrian's touch, letting the pads of his fingers graze the palm of his hand. when he speaks, it's low. ]
I would do anything she asked of me, Adrian. My body, my soul, my heart, all belong to her. But this... I feel like it's a betrayal, like she's asking me to live on without her and suffer indefinitely. She can't free me, but--
[ he closes his eyes, trying to put what he wants into words. ]
Her father locked me in the basement for twenty years. At the time, I could have been sealed rationally, allowed to sleep in my coffin. He'd often done that previously.
[ usually he's so flippant about things like this. ]
He put me in a straitjacket. Without my coffin, without my dirt, without blood to sustain myself from. And because it couldn't physically hold me, he ordered me to stay still. Motionless, sleepless, aching. Twenty years of torture, because I couldn't disobey. He wouldn't even let me scream.
[ he smiles, a little self-depreciating. ]
Perhaps I deserved it, for my behavior after the war. I don't know. That said, the men that will inherit me will be even worse, and I don't look forward to it.
[ he looks down at his hand, brow furrowing. ]
If there were some way to break my seals, I could continue the work I do for Integra without their interference, without their torture. If I could finally be rid of them, I might feel comfortable surviving.
[He knows well of Alucard's dedication to Integra. How much he loves her, reveres her -- and undoubtedly suffers without her.
Slowly, Adrian squeezes his hand, gentle.
And when Integra passes on, what will there be for Alucard but pain? That, he can only imagine. For men to continue to use him, or seal him away.]
Then...
We should try to remove your seals. Or change them, at least.
[Adrian steels himself, frowning.]
It doesn't have to be just a desire. There are people in this city who are skilled in ways we aren't. Sypha is a powerful magician, Rosalind an incredible scientist-- Alucard, you don't have to be frightened of the future, understandable as it is.
We can make changes, and hell knows I've nothing but time.
[ slowly, carefully, alucard leans so that he can rest his cheek on adrian's shoulder. the touch is barely there, but it's still a thing that happens. he's considering what adrian says carefully. integra would tell him no: he's dangerous without seals, and even though he would follow her orders without them there's no guarantee but the word of a vampire king.
but integra isn't here to tell him no.
for once, that's a bonus. slowly, he smiles, eyes slipping closed. ]
We'd need both of them, at the very least. I don't think Sypha is very fond of me, but Rosalind will take up the project from scientific interest if nothing else. It's... both science and magic, because Abraham van Helsing was a hypocrite and dabbled in the occult when sealing and altering me. I suppose I can't blame him, since nothing else could.
[ he quiets though, briefly hesitant. ]
I'm dangerous, unsealed. Unspeakably so. I'm not as strong as I once was, not without the souls I kept within me, but it allows me...free reign, over my powers. I'm of the understanding that that's an uncomfortable thing for many people. Most, that know of me where I'm from.
[ wry. ]
The priest isn't opposed to my lacking seals, but he just wants to fight me at my strongest.
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no subject
[Adrian hesitates, then he finally reaches out to rest over Alucard's wrist.]
I shouldn't have been so flippant with you. But at the same time... I don't want for you to die. I know that's a bit selfish.
no subject
[ he turns his hand slightly in response to adrian's touch, letting the pads of his fingers graze the palm of his hand. when he speaks, it's low. ]
I would do anything she asked of me, Adrian. My body, my soul, my heart, all belong to her. But this... I feel like it's a betrayal, like she's asking me to live on without her and suffer indefinitely. She can't free me, but--
[ he closes his eyes, trying to put what he wants into words. ]
Her father locked me in the basement for twenty years. At the time, I could have been sealed rationally, allowed to sleep in my coffin. He'd often done that previously.
[ usually he's so flippant about things like this. ]
He put me in a straitjacket. Without my coffin, without my dirt, without blood to sustain myself from. And because it couldn't physically hold me, he ordered me to stay still. Motionless, sleepless, aching. Twenty years of torture, because I couldn't disobey. He wouldn't even let me scream.
[ he smiles, a little self-depreciating. ]
Perhaps I deserved it, for my behavior after the war. I don't know. That said, the men that will inherit me will be even worse, and I don't look forward to it.
[ he looks down at his hand, brow furrowing. ]
If there were some way to break my seals, I could continue the work I do for Integra without their interference, without their torture. If I could finally be rid of them, I might feel comfortable surviving.
no subject
Slowly, Adrian squeezes his hand, gentle.
And when Integra passes on, what will there be for Alucard but pain? That, he can only imagine. For men to continue to use him, or seal him away.]
Then...
We should try to remove your seals. Or change them, at least.
[Adrian steels himself, frowning.]
It doesn't have to be just a desire. There are people in this city who are skilled in ways we aren't. Sypha is a powerful magician, Rosalind an incredible scientist-- Alucard, you don't have to be frightened of the future, understandable as it is.
We can make changes, and hell knows I've nothing but time.
no subject
but integra isn't here to tell him no.
for once, that's a bonus. slowly, he smiles, eyes slipping closed. ]
We'd need both of them, at the very least. I don't think Sypha is very fond of me, but Rosalind will take up the project from scientific interest if nothing else. It's... both science and magic, because Abraham van Helsing was a hypocrite and dabbled in the occult when sealing and altering me. I suppose I can't blame him, since nothing else could.
[ he quiets though, briefly hesitant. ]
I'm dangerous, unsealed. Unspeakably so. I'm not as strong as I once was, not without the souls I kept within me, but it allows me...free reign, over my powers. I'm of the understanding that that's an uncomfortable thing for many people. Most, that know of me where I'm from.
[ wry. ]
The priest isn't opposed to my lacking seals, but he just wants to fight me at my strongest.