[When he glances toward Adrian's hand, it's not because he's expecting that he needs the line of sight to help guide the bag into his grip. It's something much more horrible than that, something he'd be vaguely ashamed to admit later if he were ever asked about it.
But when he risks a quick, surreptitious glance toward Adrian's hand, it's because he's trying to see if he's still wearing his courting ring or if — it's stupid, no, he doesn't even know why he thought that.
But he did think it, and he does look, and that's how he sees it. Something reddened in a band around Adrian's wrist, some sort of fresh wound bitten into the skin.
It must be fresh, right? Otherwise he would've healed it by now. Even without blood, Adrian always heals quickly...all except for that scar on his chest, but —
...
His chest is covered. He hadn't noticed that before, but the long-sleeves and the cut of the collar, it's covering his whole chest. Normally he wears looser things, ones with a deeper V in the neckline. Today it's different.
What the hell is going on?]
Hah. I'd stay and watch, you're hilarious when you eat ice cream.
[His arms ache. He wants to hold him so badly, and he doesn't know if he can.]
[There's a pause as he briefly considers. Truly, he does miss him, and it's not as if he doesn't trust Jotaro, but trying to work all of this out has been... a trial.
Slowly, he leans in and pecks Jotaro's cheek.]
Yes. You may.
[His free hand reaches down to take Jotaro's, the grip loose but wanting contact. It's the first bit of moonlacing he's had, and he feels a rush of energy from that alone.]
[He wants so bad to kiss him. Wants to take his face in his hand and sweep him into his arms and just kiss him, hold him, figure out what's wrong and beat the shit out of it until it's been sufficiently punished for doing...whatever it's done to his Adrian. But even this is so tenuous, so fragile. He's afraid to misstep, and to shatter it.
So when Adrian kisses his cheek, he holds still to accept it; when he takes his hand, he weaves their fingers gently together. And then it's his turn to return the favor, leaning into him and pressing a slightly more lingering kiss of his own to Adrian's cheek, trying to put all the comfort and love he can manage into such a small, simple gesture.]
[It's a series of small steps, but it does much to warm his aching heart. The lacerations burn him still to this day, and perhaps will be healed more easily with blood, but even that makes him uncertain right now. So instead, he leans against Jotaro a little, smiling to himself.]
Terrible. He's chased the neighbor's cat a few times, gone through their garbage. Just awful.
[The inside of the apartment looks generally untouched, not exactly messy nor tidy. Like Adrian just showed up and didn't move for a few days.
He pauses and considers.]
Do you... want to stay for a movie?
[Even if it's just the pretense of snuggling him.]
[He blurts out, way too fast, and then turns faintly red. But it's a good sign; "movie" is usually code for curling up together on the couch and spending a relaxing interval of time just being together, and if Adrian is still interested in that (still gravitating into him, still holding his hand, still asking for him), then maybe...maybe they're still okay. Maybe it's going to be okay.]
[But he follows Adrian inside, kicking off his shoes at the door and locking it behind him with the familiarity of someone who quasi-lives there. Because, well. It's nice to be back.]
Go put that stuff away before it starts to melt. I'll find a blanket and some stuff. Do you need me to feed Trevor or anything?
[Well, the ice cream is put away, but not before he scoops himself a bowl. Trevor the raccoon is curled up in a big fluffy looking bed that was undoubtedly meant for dogs, but he's spoiled rotten and content where he is. Adrian ruffles his head gently before returning with his ice cream, pulling his legs up onto the couch, waiting for Jotaro.]
[There he is, the little menace. It's an odd sort of fondness he reserves for Trevor the Raccoon, less out of any personal attachment and more just because Adrian seems to like him so much. But it's nice to see him again, too.
Meanwhile, Jotaro scrounges up a blanket and some pillows, absently checking the clock before bringing them back to the couch.]
Greedy.
[He deposits the items on the couch and turns back to set up the movie before retreating to settle in at Adrian's side, tucking the blanket around both of them together.
Before he can talk himself out of it, he leans close and kisses Adrian's cheek again.]
[He tucks himself close to Jotaro's side, slowly sliding his arms around Jotaro's elbow. His cheek rests on his shoulder and he closes his eyes for a moment.]
[He holds his breath a second, holding perfectly still while Adrian settles in; it's only after he's gotten himself positioned the way he wants that Jotaro relaxes himself, turning his head to press a lingering kiss into Adrian's hair.
You're safe, he aches to say. You're safe, I'm here, nothing's going to happen to you. But that's too close to asking questions, isn't it? And if Adrian wanted to tell him, he would. It's not his decision. It's not about him.
So he only nuzzles against him instead, breathing the smell of his hair, memorizing the warmth of his body all over again.]
I missed this.
[There's so much more he wishes he could say, and he can't.]
[It's such a simple thing, but like this he does sincerely feel safe with Jotaro like this. He regrets not doing this sooner, but for now he just settles in like this, curled up with him, a blanket and ice cream.
Though he's felt exhausted due to lake of moonlacing, he feels content and ready to doze off with Jotaro at his side.]
I missed you too.
[His voice quivers, and he hates it. He wishes he could keep it steady.]
[Something inside him fractures at the way Adrian's voice shakes. There are so many little tells that he can't add up into a clear picture — the burns on his wrist, the way he'd curled in on himself with his legs pulled up when he'd sat on the couch. The too-clean state of the apartment. The way he's holding him by the arm instead of crawling into his lap. The way he'd looked so tired. The way his texts had given the perception of woundedness, of uncertainty. The way this all seems so...fragile.
He holds his breath. It feels like he holds it for a long, long time.
He holds it until, in his chest, something seems to burst, and he can't keep quiet any longer.]
Nothing's going to happen to you tonight.
[It's out, then, and he can't take it back, so he might as well push forward.]
I swear I'll keep you safe. I'll stay up all night.
[It's such simple words, but they're enough. For a moment, he feels the pang of guilt. He should have told Jotaro, or he should have hid it all that much better. He doesn't know which one is worse.
The bowl of ice cream is slid to the tablet, and he huddles up against Jotaro. He buries his face into Jotaro's shoulder, quiet for a moment.
I'll keep you safe.
His body shakes, and he cries quietly. Why can't he just tell him? Would Jotaro view it as betrayal?]
[What if it scares him, if he acts? What if it makes Adrian jump if he moves, if he takes him in his arms and pulls him in close like he wants to? What if he startles, and instincts take over, and he only ends up hating himself for the way he'd reacted? There are so many what-ifs and they feel like chains winding around his body, like he's trapped in stopped time all over again fighting to move and barely able to twitch a finger.
He's crying. Adrian's crying.
He's hurt and he's withdrawn and he's crying, and Jotaro doesn't know what to do. He's never been good at this. What is he supposed to do, when all of the ways he tries to tell Adrian he loves him are through action, through touch, and touch might not be something Adrian even wants right now?
Why is he failing at this? Why can't he ever seem to protect even one person?
Except —
Except that then something rears its much-needed, albeit ugly, head. The fuck is he thinking? This isn't about him. Hell is he doing, letting his own intrusive thoughts get the better of him at a time like this? He may not know what to do, but he sure as hell knows what he shouldn't be doing, and it's that.]
Shh. S'okay...it's gonna be okay.
[He brings his head to rest against Adrian's, gentle and without putting pressure on him, but letting him feel he's there.]
[Quietly, he keeps weeping, tears rolling down his face. There's been so much and he doesn't know how to start, but maybe he needs to start by just letting it out. So he does, sobbing against Jotaro, wishing he could speak or do something more.
Instead, he slides an arm to his midsection, trying to be closer.]
[Carefully, he wraps an arm around Adrian in return, tugging lightly to try to guide him to shift into his lap to hold him against his chest. The sound of his sobbing is like a stab to the heart, but it seems to be somewhat cathartic for Adrian, at least.]
M'not going anywhere. I won't leave you alone.
[Blindly, he tries to find Adrian's hand, seeking to interweave their fingers.]
[Too gladly, he lets himself shift onto Jotaro's lap, burying his face against him, finding Jotaro's strength where he abruptly feels as though he has none.
He lets their hands intertwine, and he squeezes almost desperately.]
I know.
[Adrian is safe. He's far away, thankfully, from the castle. From what he'd had to do in self-defense. The marks remain, but he's here with Jotaro. Maybe that's all that matters.
Slowly, his crying softens and he relaxes against Jotaro, feeling maybe a bit selfish and certainly miserable, but also grateful for him being here.]
[He almost hates the way the chroma blooms between them as he pulls Adrian into his arms, so warm and familiar and entirely dissonant with the tenor of the situation. It feels good, and it feels wrong that it feels good; it turns his stomach that the sweet drug of moonlacing starts to soften his own agitation that way.
But maybe it will help Adrian to find some sort of relief, the moonlacing along with the physical comfort. He tips his head and presses kisses against Adrian's hair, his forehead, his cheeks; he tastes the wet salt on his face and tries to nuzzle it away.
Someone did this, he eventually decides as quiet fury starts to simmer in his blood. Adrian will tell him, in his own time. Or maybe he won't, and that's his right. But whatever this is, whatever has frightened and wounded him so badly — someone did it, and god help them if Jotaro ever finds them, because no one else will.
But that's not important right now. Right now he just holds Adrian and lets him cry himself out, holding his hand and stroking his back.]
I'll put you in your coffin if you fall asleep, okay?
[The coffin feels safer than the bed. How tragic is that? He should feel safe in his own fucking bed, but he can't bear that either. He nods numbly, welcoming the feeling of Jotaro's hands on him, gently touching him, reassuring him. It's warm and welcoming. His Jotaro.]
Would you stay tonight?
[He wants to ask for more. He doesn't even want to deal with Iris, but it's coming soon and he'll hate it this time.]
[The fact that Adrian doesn't correct him on the matter of the coffin versus the bed is conspicuous, to say the least. He doesn't know all the ins and outs of it, obviously, but he remembers a little of what Adrian has told him before — coffins are for deep sleep, restful slumber. They're for healing, too — that's why he had the one he slept in after his father attacked him.
He doesn't challenge the offer of the coffin, and that raises a few possible reasons in Jotaro's mind. Maybe he's hurt and needs the recuperation. Maybe he's exhausted and needs the sleep.
Maybe he wants to be alone, as opposed to sharing a bed.
Whatever it is, it makes his stomach twist. He focuses instead on trying to coax Adrian into relaxing with soft touches, petting at him with gentle fingertips.]
[There's a pause, if only because Adrian is rubbing at his cheeks and eyes. He doesn't want Jotaro to look at him with so many tears, not like this. He wants to go back to the way they were, it would be so much easier.
[He really does look a mess. His eyes are red, his cheeks blotchy, his hair rumpled and sticking at odd angles. It's a little odd to see on Adrian's usually statuesque, angelic features, and yet it does nothing to detract from his beauty.
...Yeah. Yeah, this is what being in love is like, all right.
Gently, he hooks one finger beneath Adrian's chin, stroking lightly with soft possessiveness before leaning in to bring their lips together. He tastes of salt and fudge caramel, and Jotaro is careful not to push for too much at first, setting a slow and easy pace.
The moonlacing feels good; it always does. He wonders how close it is to midnight, now — but that's a worry for another time.]
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[It's the closest he's come to telling a quip in awhile. It's tired, but he misses Jotaro so much it hurts.
He reaches out for the bag, the lacerations showing on his wrist for a moment.
He doesn't even notice.]
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But when he risks a quick, surreptitious glance toward Adrian's hand, it's because he's trying to see if he's still wearing his courting ring or if — it's stupid, no, he doesn't even know why he thought that.
But he did think it, and he does look, and that's how he sees it. Something reddened in a band around Adrian's wrist, some sort of fresh wound bitten into the skin.
It must be fresh, right? Otherwise he would've healed it by now. Even without blood, Adrian always heals quickly...all except for that scar on his chest, but —
...
His chest is covered. He hadn't noticed that before, but the long-sleeves and the cut of the collar, it's covering his whole chest. Normally he wears looser things, ones with a deeper V in the neckline. Today it's different.
What the hell is going on?]
Hah. I'd stay and watch, you're hilarious when you eat ice cream.
[His arms ache. He wants to hold him so badly, and he doesn't know if he can.]
Is — can I come in? For a minute. Please?
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Slowly, he leans in and pecks Jotaro's cheek.]
Yes. You may.
[His free hand reaches down to take Jotaro's, the grip loose but wanting contact. It's the first bit of moonlacing he's had, and he feels a rush of energy from that alone.]
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So when Adrian kisses his cheek, he holds still to accept it; when he takes his hand, he weaves their fingers gently together. And then it's his turn to return the favor, leaning into him and pressing a slightly more lingering kiss of his own to Adrian's cheek, trying to put all the comfort and love he can manage into such a small, simple gesture.]
How's Raccoon Trevor been? Still a menace?
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Terrible. He's chased the neighbor's cat a few times, gone through their garbage. Just awful.
[The inside of the apartment looks generally untouched, not exactly messy nor tidy. Like Adrian just showed up and didn't move for a few days.
He pauses and considers.]
Do you... want to stay for a movie?
[Even if it's just the pretense of snuggling him.]
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[He blurts out, way too fast, and then turns faintly red. But it's a good sign; "movie" is usually code for curling up together on the couch and spending a relaxing interval of time just being together, and if Adrian is still interested in that (still gravitating into him, still holding his hand, still asking for him), then maybe...maybe they're still okay. Maybe it's going to be okay.]
I-I mean. ...Yeah, that'd be nice. If it's okay.
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It's fine.
Please. Come in. I'll eat ice cream and we'll watch... something.
[Though very likely, he'll end up falling asleep against Jotaro.]
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[But he follows Adrian inside, kicking off his shoes at the door and locking it behind him with the familiarity of someone who quasi-lives there. Because, well. It's nice to be back.]
Go put that stuff away before it starts to melt. I'll find a blanket and some stuff. Do you need me to feed Trevor or anything?
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[Well, the ice cream is put away, but not before he scoops himself a bowl. Trevor the raccoon is curled up in a big fluffy looking bed that was undoubtedly meant for dogs, but he's spoiled rotten and content where he is. Adrian ruffles his head gently before returning with his ice cream, pulling his legs up onto the couch, waiting for Jotaro.]
I suppose I could give you one spoonful.
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Meanwhile, Jotaro scrounges up a blanket and some pillows, absently checking the clock before bringing them back to the couch.]
Greedy.
[He deposits the items on the couch and turns back to set up the movie before retreating to settle in at Adrian's side, tucking the blanket around both of them together.
Before he can talk himself out of it, he leans close and kisses Adrian's cheek again.]
Comfortable?
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[He tucks himself close to Jotaro's side, slowly sliding his arms around Jotaro's elbow. His cheek rests on his shoulder and he closes his eyes for a moment.]
Like this.
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[He holds his breath a second, holding perfectly still while Adrian settles in; it's only after he's gotten himself positioned the way he wants that Jotaro relaxes himself, turning his head to press a lingering kiss into Adrian's hair.
You're safe, he aches to say. You're safe, I'm here, nothing's going to happen to you. But that's too close to asking questions, isn't it? And if Adrian wanted to tell him, he would. It's not his decision. It's not about him.
So he only nuzzles against him instead, breathing the smell of his hair, memorizing the warmth of his body all over again.]
I missed this.
[There's so much more he wishes he could say, and he can't.]
I missed you so much.
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Though he's felt exhausted due to lake of moonlacing, he feels content and ready to doze off with Jotaro at his side.]
I missed you too.
[His voice quivers, and he hates it. He wishes he could keep it steady.]
I'm sorry for making you wait.
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[Something inside him fractures at the way Adrian's voice shakes. There are so many little tells that he can't add up into a clear picture — the burns on his wrist, the way he'd curled in on himself with his legs pulled up when he'd sat on the couch. The too-clean state of the apartment. The way he's holding him by the arm instead of crawling into his lap. The way he'd looked so tired. The way his texts had given the perception of woundedness, of uncertainty. The way this all seems so...fragile.
He holds his breath. It feels like he holds it for a long, long time.
He holds it until, in his chest, something seems to burst, and he can't keep quiet any longer.]
Nothing's going to happen to you tonight.
[It's out, then, and he can't take it back, so he might as well push forward.]
I swear I'll keep you safe. I'll stay up all night.
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The bowl of ice cream is slid to the tablet, and he huddles up against Jotaro. He buries his face into Jotaro's shoulder, quiet for a moment.
I'll keep you safe.
His body shakes, and he cries quietly. Why can't he just tell him? Would Jotaro view it as betrayal?]
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He's crying.
Adrian's crying.
He's hurt and he's withdrawn and he's crying, and Jotaro doesn't know what to do. He's never been good at this. What is he supposed to do, when all of the ways he tries to tell Adrian he loves him are through action, through touch, and touch might not be something Adrian even wants right now?
Why is he failing at this?
Why can't he ever seem to protect even one person?
Except —
Except that then something rears its much-needed, albeit ugly, head. The fuck is he thinking? This isn't about him. Hell is he doing, letting his own intrusive thoughts get the better of him at a time like this? He may not know what to do, but he sure as hell knows what he shouldn't be doing, and it's that.]
Shh. S'okay...it's gonna be okay.
[He brings his head to rest against Adrian's, gentle and without putting pressure on him, but letting him feel he's there.]
I promise. We'll make it okay.
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Instead, he slides an arm to his midsection, trying to be closer.]
I'm-- I'm glad you're here.
[And he means it.]
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[Carefully, he wraps an arm around Adrian in return, tugging lightly to try to guide him to shift into his lap to hold him against his chest. The sound of his sobbing is like a stab to the heart, but it seems to be somewhat cathartic for Adrian, at least.]
M'not going anywhere. I won't leave you alone.
[Blindly, he tries to find Adrian's hand, seeking to interweave their fingers.]
You're safe. You're safe with me, I'm here.
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He lets their hands intertwine, and he squeezes almost desperately.]
I know.
[Adrian is safe. He's far away, thankfully, from the castle. From what he'd had to do in self-defense. The marks remain, but he's here with Jotaro. Maybe that's all that matters.
Slowly, his crying softens and he relaxes against Jotaro, feeling maybe a bit selfish and certainly miserable, but also grateful for him being here.]
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But maybe it will help Adrian to find some sort of relief, the moonlacing along with the physical comfort. He tips his head and presses kisses against Adrian's hair, his forehead, his cheeks; he tastes the wet salt on his face and tries to nuzzle it away.
Someone did this, he eventually decides as quiet fury starts to simmer in his blood. Adrian will tell him, in his own time. Or maybe he won't, and that's his right. But whatever this is, whatever has frightened and wounded him so badly — someone did it, and god help them if Jotaro ever finds them, because no one else will.
But that's not important right now. Right now he just holds Adrian and lets him cry himself out, holding his hand and stroking his back.]
I'll put you in your coffin if you fall asleep, okay?
[His words are a whisper, barely audible.]
And I won't leave. Not until you tell me to.
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Would you stay tonight?
[He wants to ask for more. He doesn't even want to deal with Iris, but it's coming soon and he'll hate it this time.]
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He doesn't challenge the offer of the coffin, and that raises a few possible reasons in Jotaro's mind. Maybe he's hurt and needs the recuperation. Maybe he's exhausted and needs the sleep.
Maybe he wants to be alone, as opposed to sharing a bed.
Whatever it is, it makes his stomach twist. He focuses instead on trying to coax Adrian into relaxing with soft touches, petting at him with gentle fingertips.]
Yeah, of course.
[He hesitates, warring with himself.]
Adrian...can I — can I kiss you...?
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He lifts up his chin, and nods a little.]
Yes.
Please do.
[Anything to forget their lips.]
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...Yeah. Yeah, this is what being in love is like, all right.
Gently, he hooks one finger beneath Adrian's chin, stroking lightly with soft possessiveness before leaning in to bring their lips together. He tastes of salt and fudge caramel, and Jotaro is careful not to push for too much at first, setting a slow and easy pace.
The moonlacing feels good; it always does. He wonders how close it is to midnight, now — but that's a worry for another time.]