He was cautious, when I knew him. Something was wrong with his body, like it wasn’t finished yet. If there had been a chance to save me, Jotaro would have taken it. No matter how stupid it was. No matter what he made me do or say. He could have eliminated him easily.
And he didn’t.
He didn’t do it because it wouldn’t hurt Jotaro to die trying to save me. He’d be a noble idiot about it. The kind of fucking martyr that I can’t be.
I fucked up and handed him an easy victory, and he didn’t take it because he wanted Jotaro to die feeling useless. He wanted to force him to fight for himself. To make fighting feel selfish, because the moment to fight to save someone already passed.
[ The oven cleaner blisters at Hierophant’s moist skin, and he can feel mild but angry chemical burns spreading up his arms. Good. Good. ]
I’m going to kill him, Adrian. He’s dead and I’m dead and I’m going to do it anyway. I’m going to weave into his spine and climb into his brain and bloom there and shove my way into every fucking neurone and make him hurt until his body shuts itself down from it.
We were talking. He wants to use some device they have here to show me how Dio died.
He wants to do that night again. He wants Dio to hurt him again.
And I didn’t understand why Dio didn’t take such an easy path to victory but then I figured it out. That that was what he wanted.
To hurt him recursively, so he’d keep being hurt over and over, no matter how it ended. So he’d keep choosing to be hurt. So he’d come up with reasons it was right.
And I can’t do anything about it. Because if I tell him any of this, all he’ll ever hear is ‘Dio killed me because of you’.
[Adrian settles his hands over the cup of tea, feeling its warmth, bordering on almost too much. He always knew how fragile humans were, but actually being one seems to really put that into perspective now.
Star loops his arms around Adrian's shoulders, a comforting weight.]
I understand. It seems like we're all our own worst enemy, truly.
He did ask me once, if he felt like it had to be him and no one else. I don't know if I was the right person to answer that kind of question for him. It's the kind of thing I convince myself of often.
...I think it's better to avoid the machine, honestly. For everyone's sakes. It's too easy to disappear into our worst moments and feel like we deserve to suffer.
It's all right. It's just... I think Jojo is a bit wrapped up in the idea of punishing himself. A sentiment I understand. And it is a memory he still intensely feels every day. Perhaps he thinks somehow you punishing him in turn would give him salvation.
It isn't right. It's foolish, of course. But I think it's possible he feels that way.
[Adrian stands up and Star fades away.]
Then let's do something else other than cleaning. I can show you something I'm working on, if you'd like. You need to stay busy.
[ Hierophant emerges from the oven, wet skin bubbling slightly from the cleaning solution. It cycles the damaged skin around like a water snake until a new undamaged film covers its green fluid insides. It doesn’t wrap around Adrian’s shoulders like usual, instead slithering at his ankles. Its tendrils flick around in agitation. ]
Jojo and I recently took in a hatchling dragon to raise. However, I believe one of his front legs has a deformity, likely since he hatched.
[Adrian nudges a door open. One that's normally the room he paints in, but he does open a chest to bring out some basic sketches.]
I'm planning for a prosthetic so that he can move more easily. I'm open to some feedback, of course. I'm not sure if it's possible to fix his arm, but we can help him live an easier life.
[ Oh my god, they have a dragon baby and Jotaro didn’t tell him. Probably because he threw up the last time Jotaro discussed children. He waits for the anger to reshape itself, direct itself either at Adrian or inward. It doesn’t.
The dragon-thing was born different. Wrong. Unfinished. And it can be put right. And making things right matters. Making things fit like they should, so they don’t have to turn into ugly things twisted by being different and unfinished and wrong. ]
Do you want it to be able to move? One of my textbooks covers that sort of thing. If you’re using his natural chroma as a power source, it can also carry information on how he wants to move it.
I... admit, I hadn't even considered that as a possibility. But I think that would be better than what I had intended. I want him to be able to have that independence.
[The other pages he had sketched are pushed aside as Adrian sits at his desk, immediately getting to work.]
I can easily sort out how it'll support him properly, make sure it's not too much all at once and causing too much harm. But as far as actual movement goes... I think I'll need your input.
Perhaps I would benefit from the schooling as well.
Up to you if this counts as a hug for the sake of powerswaps
You're welcome to join me - the class doesn't start until after the next Triple Moon. I admit, I was only looking at it out of curiosity. But if it'll make the dragon's life more pleasant then it's a better use of time than anything else I've come up with so far.
[ Hierophant coils around Adrian's shoulders, the way he always does when watching him work. He's still agitated, pulsing slightly with anger. But it's lessened by genuine interest, at least. ]
[ Which means that Adrian is dealing with Hierophant acting on its own instincts unless he wants to try to control it directly. It’s probably going to go hide in something or someone. ]
I’m assuming that he’s still there? I
[ The message stops abruptly and only continues after a few minutes, because Star apparently doesn’t like being instructed to move arms that he doesn’t have. ]
Star is with me. Please excuse the slow response, I think I am causing him some distress unless I either focus or focus on not focusing. I’m used to a stand with a very different shape and my subconscious is apparently incompatible with. Him. In general.
Yes, he's still around my shoulders. I'm sorry, I didn't think a Stand interaction like this would count as a swap.
[Adrian sighs and runs his fingers through his hair.]
I don't think it's incompatible. Just don't overthink it. Star is probably used to working on instinct, but you're someone who is more meticulous than that. That's my suggestion anyway when I still had him.
[There's a pause, then he offers also with:] Are you okay?
Ah. One moment, then. He lashes out if he's distressed. Let me make a list.
-Stay around somewhere he can hide. He'll get upset if he's in a bright open space. -Don't overheat him or he starts making these really loud fan noises. -Stay hydrated or he'll force you to drink water and it's uncomfortable. -Try not to yell at him. -Don't put him inside anyone because it feels gross and you'll get upset and that'll make him get upset and then he'll cause problems which will make you get upset and it's a horrible feedback loop.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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And he didn’t.
He didn’t do it because it wouldn’t hurt Jotaro to die trying to save me. He’d be a noble idiot about it. The kind of fucking martyr that I can’t be.
I fucked up and handed him an easy victory, and he didn’t take it because he wanted Jotaro to die feeling useless. He wanted to force him to fight for himself. To make fighting feel selfish, because the moment to fight to save someone already passed.
[ The oven cleaner blisters at Hierophant’s moist skin, and he can feel mild but angry chemical burns spreading up his arms. Good. Good. ]
I’m going to kill him, Adrian. He’s dead and I’m dead and I’m going to do it anyway. I’m going to weave into his spine and climb into his brain and bloom there and shove my way into every fucking neurone and make him hurt until his body shuts itself down from it.
no subject
[Star brings the tea after the kettle goes off. Fondly, Adrian ruffles his hair, smiling at him.]
You might find the task of killing the dead a bit complicated, but I imagine if you found a way you would.
Your anger against Dio is understandable, but I wonder-- what brought this on suddenly? Did something remind you of him?
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He wants to do that night again.
He wants Dio to hurt him again.
And I didn’t understand why Dio didn’t take such an easy path to victory but then I figured it out.
That that was what he wanted.
To hurt him recursively, so he’d keep being hurt over and over, no matter how it ended. So he’d keep choosing to be hurt. So he’d come up with reasons it was right.
And I can’t do anything about it. Because if I tell him any of this, all he’ll ever hear is ‘Dio killed me because of you’.
no subject
[Adrian settles his hands over the cup of tea, feeling its warmth, bordering on almost too much. He always knew how fragile humans were, but actually being one seems to really put that into perspective now.
Star loops his arms around Adrian's shoulders, a comforting weight.]
I understand. It seems like we're all our own worst enemy, truly.
He did ask me once, if he felt like it had to be him and no one else. I don't know if I was the right person to answer that kind of question for him. It's the kind of thing I convince myself of often.
...I think it's better to avoid the machine, honestly. For everyone's sakes. It's too easy to disappear into our worst moments and feel like we deserve to suffer.
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It sounds like a machine you could use to see anything at all.
Why would you ever use it see something that’s already happened.
I apologise.
I know it can’t be easy to hear all this.
I just feel like I might explode if I don’t tell someone. Keeping busy is only doing so much.
I think if I scrub the shower more than four times in one day he’ll get suspicious.
Or think something gross happened on there I suppose.
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It isn't right. It's foolish, of course. But I think it's possible he feels that way.
[Adrian stands up and Star fades away.]
Then let's do something else other than cleaning. I can show you something I'm working on, if you'd like. You need to stay busy.
no subject
[ Hierophant emerges from the oven, wet skin bubbling slightly from the cleaning solution. It cycles the damaged skin around like a water snake until a new undamaged film covers its green fluid insides. It doesn’t wrap around Adrian’s shoulders like usual, instead slithering at his ankles. Its tendrils flick around in agitation. ]
What is it?
no subject
[Adrian nudges a door open. One that's normally the room he paints in, but he does open a chest to bring out some basic sketches.]
I'm planning for a prosthetic so that he can move more easily. I'm open to some feedback, of course. I'm not sure if it's possible to fix his arm, but we can help him live an easier life.
no subject
The dragon-thing was born different. Wrong. Unfinished. And it can be put right. And making things right matters. Making things fit like they should, so they don’t have to turn into ugly things twisted by being different and unfinished and wrong. ]
Do you want it to be able to move? One of my textbooks covers that sort of thing. If you’re using his natural chroma as a power source, it can also carry information on how he wants to move it.
no subject
[The other pages he had sketched are pushed aside as Adrian sits at his desk, immediately getting to work.]
I can easily sort out how it'll support him properly, make sure it's not too much all at once and causing too much harm. But as far as actual movement goes... I think I'll need your input.
Perhaps I would benefit from the schooling as well.
Up to you if this counts as a hug for the sake of powerswaps
[ Hierophant coils around Adrian's shoulders, the way he always does when watching him work. He's still agitated, pulsing slightly with anger. But it's lessened by genuine interest, at least. ]
u know it
[And maybe it might let him spend time with Kakyoin in other ways that aren't centered around trauma.
However, he receives no response afterward, and he gently nudges the green tentacles around his shoulders.]
Hierophant, didn't he hear me?
[However, Hierophant just looks at him blankly.
...Oh. Oh shit. Wait.
He immediately goes to texting Kakyoin.]
Can you still see through your Stand?
no subject
[ Which means that Adrian is dealing with Hierophant acting on its own instincts unless he wants to try to control it directly. It’s probably going to go hide in something or someone. ]
I’m assuming that he’s still there? I
[ The message stops abruptly and only continues after a few minutes, because Star apparently doesn’t like being instructed to move arms that he doesn’t have. ]
Star is with me. Please excuse the slow response, I think I am causing him some distress unless I either focus or focus on not focusing. I’m used to a stand with a very different shape and my subconscious is apparently incompatible with. Him. In general.
no subject
[Adrian sighs and runs his fingers through his hair.]
I don't think it's incompatible. Just don't overthink it. Star is probably used to working on instinct, but you're someone who is more meticulous than that. That's my suggestion anyway when I still had him.
[There's a pause, then he offers also with:] Are you okay?
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[ Bold of you to assume he's capable of not overthinking things. ]
I shouldn't have thought about being blinded. I'm not sure whose glasses these are, but hopefully they didn't need them too badly.
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We can try to fix it, but I have no idea if doing anything would work. We might have to wait it out.
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-Stay around somewhere he can hide. He'll get upset if he's in a bright open space.
-Don't overheat him or he starts making these really loud fan noises.
-Stay hydrated or he'll force you to drink water and it's uncomfortable.
-Try not to yell at him.
-Don't put him inside anyone because it feels gross and you'll get upset and that'll make him get upset and then he'll cause problems which will make you get upset and it's a horrible feedback loop.
He can be human-shaped if that's easier.
no subject
No. Not human-shaped. I like him as he is. It's
actually more comfortable for me.