My Chevalier...they wanted me to. If I did they were going to make my dream come true. Even so...is it so strange of a thing to want?
[And sure that dream is more or less dead in the water but the desire to have someone who is just like her is overwhelmingly powerful. It's innate, this desire she has.]
Saya is the only family I have. She's my twin but she hates me. Is it so strange to want someone who is just like you to love you? I'm different, Adrian. I'm not like you or other vampires - I'm a Chiropteran.
So they were going to use you to help you. [The more he hears about her Chevalier, the more he kind of wants to kick their ass??] No, it isn't so odd to desire. But I don't want you to place your entire value into whether or not you can have a child.
[Adrian does feel bad in that he can't completely relate; he's too frightened to desire a child, and he's never had a sibling or anything close to one. What pains she has, he's trying to understand.]
I know. We're similar, but not the same. For me, I don't quite understand having a sibling. I was an only child. But I do understand a yearning to not be alone, the fear of it really. And I will always be afraid of it.
I cannot promise she will forgive you. But I do want to speak with her and at least try to make amends between the two of you. I know she means everything. Please be patient a little longer, and I will do my best for you, Diva.
All I've ever been is used. What difference does it make?
[There's a bitterness that coats the words that come from her, the taste unpleasant against her tongue. She's always been aware on some level that she was being used but it was par for the course. She hasn't had much choice in many matters pertaining to her life once Saya let her out. How else would she have been expected to survive otherwise if she hadn't given Amshel what he wanted right from the very start?]
She's the very same flesh and blood as me, Adrian. She's more than just a sister.
[One couldn't even really call the relationship they had even very sisterly in the first place.]
Imagine being kept away from the only person in the entire world who is just like you, who should understand what it's like to be you...only for them to reject you because they see themselves more like the very beings who kept you apart in the first place.
[She slumps a bit against him.]
She won't. She's stubborn. She'll call me a monster. She wants to kill me. She'll tell everyone to hate me and stay away from me. I even told her that I promised you that I would behave but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. I hate it.
[The closest person he can think of he can relate the idea to is D -- someone else who was a dhampir, someone else who understood the difficulties of never quite belonging to either world of mortal or monster. Too beastly to really quite belong with humans, too soft to belong with vampires. D knew what it was like, and even to this day Adrian misses him.
The closest thing he ever had to an other half. It would break Adrian's heart if D would show up again only to reject him.]
It matters, Diva.
[He continues to pet through her hair, wanting to be soothing as possible.]
I understand a bit more now why you're so upset. And I would not stop you from expressing that, but I want you to know that I will everything I can to help you and Saya make amends. I can't guarantee anything, but I want you to be happy.
I would not try if I didn't think it was possible.
[His touch, to his credit, does help. Having him there, as a solid, living breathing being to hold and cling to makes her feel safe when she feels anything but. He says he thinks it's possible, that they can mend the rift between them, but she's not so sure. She wants to try, she's so desperate for her sister's affections and yet...
She presses her face into Adrian's chest even closer. He says it matters and she wants to believe it does. She wants to believe that she matters when right now she feels very much like a blight upon the world and everyone's lives that she's infected with her presence.]
I know you've been working hard to behave, Diva. If you didn't care about what I had to say, you'd ignore me completely. If you didn't care, you wouldn't make sure that I would get out of bed on my own birthday. You care so intensely.
You aren't hopeless at all. Perhaps you need guidance, but I've seen you grow since we first met. I look forward to seeing how much more you continue to change.
[He says all the things she wants to hear, all the things she wants to believe about herself and yet it still feels like it might not be true. Has she grown? Maybe...but does it matter? What does any of it matter if Saya won't love her and if she'll ultimately, at the end of the day, be alone.
Maybe not now she's not, not while she's in Adrian's arms, clinging to him, but surely he'd leave her someday. Just what would she have to do to make him so cross that he'd want nothing to do with her either?
She can't help but wonder.]
What happens if I change so much that I'm not me anymore? I don't want that. I like being me.
[Oh she's well aware of how cruel life can be, but if there's one thing she wants more than even her sister's love it's to live. She may love Saya more than anything in the world, but not over her own life and ultimately, if it came down to it, she'd choose her right to live over her twin.]
You really are my Prince Charming, you know that? Even if you can't be my Bridegroom.
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[And sure that dream is more or less dead in the water but the desire to have someone who is just like her is overwhelmingly powerful. It's innate, this desire she has.]
Saya is the only family I have. She's my twin but she hates me. Is it so strange to want someone who is just like you to love you? I'm different, Adrian. I'm not like you or other vampires - I'm a Chiropteran.
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[Adrian does feel bad in that he can't completely relate; he's too frightened to desire a child, and he's never had a sibling or anything close to one. What pains she has, he's trying to understand.]
I know. We're similar, but not the same. For me, I don't quite understand having a sibling. I was an only child. But I do understand a yearning to not be alone, the fear of it really. And I will always be afraid of it.
I cannot promise she will forgive you. But I do want to speak with her and at least try to make amends between the two of you. I know she means everything. Please be patient a little longer, and I will do my best for you, Diva.
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[There's a bitterness that coats the words that come from her, the taste unpleasant against her tongue. She's always been aware on some level that she was being used but it was par for the course. She hasn't had much choice in many matters pertaining to her life once Saya let her out. How else would she have been expected to survive otherwise if she hadn't given Amshel what he wanted right from the very start?]
She's the very same flesh and blood as me, Adrian. She's more than just a sister.
[One couldn't even really call the relationship they had even very sisterly in the first place.]
Imagine being kept away from the only person in the entire world who is just like you, who should understand what it's like to be you...only for them to reject you because they see themselves more like the very beings who kept you apart in the first place.
[She slumps a bit against him.]
She won't. She's stubborn. She'll call me a monster. She wants to kill me. She'll tell everyone to hate me and stay away from me. I even told her that I promised you that I would behave but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. I hate it.
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The closest thing he ever had to an other half. It would break Adrian's heart if D would show up again only to reject him.]
It matters, Diva.
[He continues to pet through her hair, wanting to be soothing as possible.]
I understand a bit more now why you're so upset. And I would not stop you from expressing that, but I want you to know that I will everything I can to help you and Saya make amends. I can't guarantee anything, but I want you to be happy.
I would not try if I didn't think it was possible.
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She presses her face into Adrian's chest even closer. He says it matters and she wants to believe it does. She wants to believe that she matters when right now she feels very much like a blight upon the world and everyone's lives that she's infected with her presence.]
...Do you think I'm loveable?
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I know you've been working hard to behave, Diva. If you didn't care about what I had to say, you'd ignore me completely. If you didn't care, you wouldn't make sure that I would get out of bed on my own birthday. You care so intensely.
You aren't hopeless at all. Perhaps you need guidance, but I've seen you grow since we first met. I look forward to seeing how much more you continue to change.
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Maybe not now she's not, not while she's in Adrian's arms, clinging to him, but surely he'd leave her someday. Just what would she have to do to make him so cross that he'd want nothing to do with her either?
She can't help but wonder.]
What happens if I change so much that I'm not me anymore? I don't want that. I like being me.
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Your heart should still be yours, no matter what. But I want to help you better understand other people as well.
I believe in you and Saya both.
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Not many people have ever wanted me for me, Adrian. They don't care about my heart.
[But if he has hope in them both, maybe she can allow her self to as well.]
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Life can be cruel, Diva. I know that well. But it can also be a wonderful opportunity to see some wonderful possibilities. I hope for you to see that.
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You really are my Prince Charming, you know that? Even if you can't be my Bridegroom.