Not that it'd be so bad, I guess. You'd be a good dad. Mom. Dmom. Whatever. You're the mom, you're fussy.
[Even in Sanguis, even with his natural temperature running cooler than a human's, the hand on his side feels warm. The kind of warmth born of safety, not of heat or cold.]
Can you keep doing that? Um...touching me. It's...I like it.
[His breathing comes slower now, deeper with each rise and fall of his chest. Gradually, his fingers find their way to Adrian's knee and brush against it, tracing aimlessly.]
Yeah. I'm not...dunno. Not so keyed up anymore. Safe. ...Feels safe.
[His wolf ears twitch a little, and his tail thumps approvingly. He seems to bask in the attention, tongue loosening the more he unwinds.]
Hey. You knew Avdol...he's not here anymore. I found out the other day. Maybe that's what's got me thinking about Dio again, too. Because I'm the last one left, now. Like I was then.
[Unexpectedly, his tail thumps against the mattress while one of his legs twitches — what might've been a reflexive kick, if he weren't a fully-grown guy the size of a refrigerator. Not unlike what a puppy might do, perhaps, while his sensitive ears were played with.]
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I guess it hasn't really sunk in yet. Like...I've been telling people and trying to help keep his husband together, all the things he'd want me to do, but...
It's like, if I went over there right now, he'd still be there. Or at his shop. It doesn't...it doesn't feel like he's really gone.
[Of course, there would be Avdol's husband to be concerned with. But that isn't something that Adrian can handle. Instead, he focuses on Jotaro, stroking his hair.]
Those places are as if they are haunted, in a way. All of their belongings undisturbed, shown as if they were still living there. It's understandable.
[A hard question to ask. Something he dreads a bit, but has to remind himself that he has time, infinite time to find Jotaro. That's luckier than most.]
Don't keep a shrine of me. Perhaps a keepsake, at most. Remember me, but do not dwell. [Not as Adrian would.]
Have Star open my nightstand. There's a ring inside.
It was Father's. Keep it, and know that no matter where I am, I am thinking of you.
I don't want to have to guess. That's why I'm asking.
[A clumsy explanation, and he knows it, so after a moment he tries again, wanting to be understood.]
I don't want it to be "that thing I should've asked but never did". I don't want to wind up...without you...and have to hope I guess it right, what you would have wanted. I'd never be sure I wasn't getting it wrong.
[He reaches up blindly, searching for one of Adrian's hands so that he can weave their fingers together and hold it.]
Nobody's ever loved me the way that you love me, Adrian. I'll never forget that.
...Then perhaps we should voice lingering doubts. Just in case.
[Adrian squeezes his hand, letting their fingers intertwine.]
I have loved before, but I have never loved so deeply before you. And I will continue to love you, even if we are separated. But I... refuse to end up anything like Father had.
Though there will always be the question on my mind that I cannot help -- am I enough? Not for anything you have done or said, but it's-- me. And I will wonder that too.
[Truthfully, Adrian has ever rarely felt like he was enough. He hadn't been enough for Dracula when he decided to wage war on humanity, nor enough for Trevor and Sypha to stay with him. Not enough for Taka and Sumi to trust him, to love him.
Jotaro's never given such an indication, and he does trust him, but those experiences have cut him deeply.]
You've been painting a lot more. It's good. There should be things you live for other than me. Things that make it worth getting up in the morning.
[It's strange, maybe. This isn't at all how he thought this night was going to end up, and yet...there's something oddly cathartic about this conversation. It's a sad conversation, and a frightening one, but it's better than pretending that separation isn't a possibility until long after it's too late.]
In my room, there's a book. A notebook. If I disappear, find it and read it. It's about you. And take all my clothes, if I even have any left that you haven't already stolen by then. And...
[He quiets.]
Remember...how much I liked being close to you. Remember that to me, you were always warm.
I'm still trying to find something that feels like it fits me. The art is fine enough. Perhaps I will find something that roots me better here.
[The sentiment is sweet. To find a book full of Jotaro's thoughts, the comfort of his clothing. His smell.]
Then I want you remember how you make me smile and laugh. Especially when you're being a bastard. [Wryly, he adds:] Shall I leave you poetry to find? Perhaps a treasure hunt, should I ever disappear.
But know this: even if I do leave Lunatia in some way, I will always do everything I can to find you again. Hell knows I've the time.
You were pretty good at scooping ice cream. Maybe your roots are in customer service.
[Speaking of setting out to make him smile and laugh.]
... Would you really do that for me? A treasure hunt sounds like...
[His face heats a little, but he lifts his head enough that he can regard Adrian seriously through soft green eyes.]
You'd get to say goodbye in your own way, if you did that. You'd get to choose the last thing you said to me. Not just have it fall to chance. Please...?
[For the more serious topic, he watches Jotaro, a soft smile on his face.]
A treasure hunt for my balaur. It sounds very suitable.
I'd get to leave you clues and rude things to read. [Adrian leans down, kissing his forehead.] But maybe I'll say nice things as well in my notes for you.
I know you're being a bastard, but...hearing that — it makes me feel a lot calmer.
[He's tempted to settle back down into Adrian's lap again, being comfortable there was he was, but it turns out he decides he'd also like a kiss, so he moves to reach for that first.]
I don't want you to go without saying goodbye. I don't want you to go at all, but — you know what I mean.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[Even in Sanguis, even with his natural temperature running cooler than a human's, the hand on his side feels warm. The kind of warmth born of safety, not of heat or cold.]
Can you keep doing that? Um...touching me. It's...I like it.
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[Slowly, his hand continues, stroking down Jotaro's side.]
Of course.
Do you feel any better?
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[His breathing comes slower now, deeper with each rise and fall of his chest. Gradually, his fingers find their way to Adrian's knee and brush against it, tracing aimlessly.]
Yeah. I'm not...dunno. Not so keyed up anymore. Safe. ...Feels safe.
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[He brushes Jotaro's hair back from his eyes.]
Good. I'd do anything to keep you safe, Jojo. Even if it's from yourself.
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[His wolf ears twitch a little, and his tail thumps approvingly. He seems to bask in the attention, tongue loosening the more he unwinds.]
Hey. You knew Avdol...he's not here anymore. I found out the other day. Maybe that's what's got me thinking about Dio again, too. Because I'm the last one left, now. Like I was then.
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[He gently tugs at a wolfish ear, rubbing it affectionately between a finger and thumb.]
But you aren't alone. You know that, I hope.
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[Unexpectedly, his tail thumps against the mattress while one of his legs twitches — what might've been a reflexive kick, if he weren't a fully-grown guy the size of a refrigerator. Not unlike what a puppy might do, perhaps, while his sensitive ears were played with.]
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I guess it hasn't really sunk in yet. Like...I've been telling people and trying to help keep his husband together, all the things he'd want me to do, but...
It's like, if I went over there right now, he'd still be there. Or at his shop. It doesn't...it doesn't feel like he's really gone.
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Those places are as if they are haunted, in a way. All of their belongings undisturbed, shown as if they were still living there. It's understandable.
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[He closes his eyes, even as his shoulders tense up a little.]
If that were us...if, I mean, someday. If it were you, going back to Wallachia, and I was still here. What would you want me to do?
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Don't keep a shrine of me. Perhaps a keepsake, at most. Remember me, but do not dwell. [Not as Adrian would.]
Have Star open my nightstand. There's a ring inside.
It was Father's. Keep it, and know that no matter where I am, I am thinking of you.
no subject
[A clumsy explanation, and he knows it, so after a moment he tries again, wanting to be understood.]
I don't want it to be "that thing I should've asked but never did". I don't want to wind up...without you...and have to hope I guess it right, what you would have wanted. I'd never be sure I wasn't getting it wrong.
[He reaches up blindly, searching for one of Adrian's hands so that he can weave their fingers together and hold it.]
Nobody's ever loved me the way that you love me, Adrian. I'll never forget that.
no subject
[Adrian squeezes his hand, letting their fingers intertwine.]
I have loved before, but I have never loved so deeply before you. And I will continue to love you, even if we are separated. But I... refuse to end up anything like Father had.
Though there will always be the question on my mind that I cannot help -- am I enough? Not for anything you have done or said, but it's-- me. And I will wonder that too.
[Truthfully, Adrian has ever rarely felt like he was enough. He hadn't been enough for Dracula when he decided to wage war on humanity, nor enough for Trevor and Sypha to stay with him. Not enough for Taka and Sumi to trust him, to love him.
Jotaro's never given such an indication, and he does trust him, but those experiences have cut him deeply.]
no subject
[It's strange, maybe. This isn't at all how he thought this night was going to end up, and yet...there's something oddly cathartic about this conversation. It's a sad conversation, and a frightening one, but it's better than pretending that separation isn't a possibility until long after it's too late.]
In my room, there's a book. A notebook. If I disappear, find it and read it. It's about you. And take all my clothes, if I even have any left that you haven't already stolen by then. And...
[He quiets.]
Remember...how much I liked being close to you. Remember that to me, you were always warm.
no subject
[The sentiment is sweet. To find a book full of Jotaro's thoughts, the comfort of his clothing. His smell.]
Then I want you remember how you make me smile and laugh. Especially when you're being a bastard. [Wryly, he adds:] Shall I leave you poetry to find? Perhaps a treasure hunt, should I ever disappear.
But know this: even if I do leave Lunatia in some way, I will always do everything I can to find you again. Hell knows I've the time.
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[Speaking of setting out to make him smile and laugh.]
... Would you really do that for me? A treasure hunt sounds like...
[His face heats a little, but he lifts his head enough that he can regard Adrian seriously through soft green eyes.]
You'd get to say goodbye in your own way, if you did that. You'd get to choose the last thing you said to me. Not just have it fall to chance. Please...?
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[For the more serious topic, he watches Jotaro, a soft smile on his face.]
A treasure hunt for my balaur. It sounds very suitable.
I'd get to leave you clues and rude things to read. [Adrian leans down, kissing his forehead.] But maybe I'll say nice things as well in my notes for you.
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[He's tempted to settle back down into Adrian's lap again, being comfortable there was he was, but it turns out he decides he'd also like a kiss, so he moves to reach for that first.]
I don't want you to go without saying goodbye. I don't want you to go at all, but — you know what I mean.