[It's stupid. Stupid that for the second time this month he's out late at night, wandering the city because he can't sit still. Stupid because he didn't even bring a key with him this time, and Kakyoin will lock up if he's going to go to sleep, which he said he might. Stupid because he's aimless and tired and feeling like a bottle capped off and shaken up, and his hands are numb like they've fallen asleep, and he almost wants to throw up but he's not going to.
I want to be here for you when you need me, Adrian had told him that night, petting his hair, calming him down. He needs that, right now. He needs to feel something other than scooped-out and exhausted and shaking.
So he sits on the edge of the fountain, knees spread and arms hanging between them, waiting quietly and staring out at nothing at all.]
[Last time it was like this, it was from a dream that shook Jotaro down to his soul, something he could not blame him for. He isn't certain what it is this time, but Adrian unquestionably arrives, maintaining a clam stature.]
Jojo. [He reaches out and touches Jotaro's shoulder.]
[It takes him a minute, but he gets up slowly, and he doesn't have the time or the interest in shame, not right now. He simply gets up and walks into Adrian's arms, sagging as he puts his head down onto his shoulder without preamble.]
[Turning his head, he gently pecks the top of Jotaro's head, letting him lean his weight into his arms. Adrian considers for a moment, then decides that yes, he will literally carry Jotaro. So he sweeps him up into his arms, like a groom carrying his bride.]
Relax against me. Just focus on my arms holding you, and the night air.
[Whatever's happened, they'll get to it. For now, he wants Jotaro to feel safe.]
[He can't help it; even despite the ache of sadness gnawing away at him, a faint laugh rattles in the back of his throat when Adrian scoops him up the way he does. It's not even that he's surprised, so much. It's just that he knows what's supposed to happen. He's supposed to curse and protest and squirm, and eventually sulk back down again into acceptance.
He doesn't do any of those things, but he does know he's supposed to. That's enough to warrant a laugh out of him, even if it doesn't sound altogether full of humor. Even if it shakes like it's halfway to a sob.
Where's your bathroom, Kakyoin had said, and then he'd just run.]
M'sorry.
[It doesn't feel okay, what he's done. It doesn't feel okay to crumble like this right now, either. But for once, he thinks, maybe it's okay to not be okay. Maybe he's allowed to not be okay.]
Hey. You caught me again. Health and good fortune, right...
[The way Adrian moves is something close to a sprint, yet despite its speed he somehow manages to be graceful, hardly jostling Jotaro. It comes naturally to him, strength and speed all part of his being.
When he can tell they're getting closer to his apartment, he starts to slow down, but the grace does not stop.]
[Yes. No. No, but yes, but yes. Yes. He doesn't, but he does.
After a little while, he lifts his head and looks around, blinking when he discovers that they've covered a lot more ground than he realized. Adrian must be worried, to go so fast so nimbly.
He sucks in a deep breath, but doesn't release it again for what feels like a long time.]
They brought Kakyoin here.
[His fingers curl lightly into the fabric of Adrian's shirt, holding on just a little bit tighter.]
He's all fucked up and I can't fix it. I just make it worse.
[This time, when he breathes in, he's sniffling back tears.]
I left him the apartment. So I'm not there. So I'm not making him cry anymore.
[Though Adrian's steps do not falter, his expression slides into something neutral. His heart sinks a little, not unlike the way he felt cold and distant as he watched Trevor and Sypha ride off on their wagon together to horizons unknown, their adventures waiting for them. It's an irrational panic, his mind wondering is this it, am I going to be replaced, or was I stand-in? No, he knows Jotaro wouldn't, but his heart suddenly feels so heavy--
But then he remembers Jotaro's pain, which is infinitely more important.]
Tell me more when you've calmed.
[There's a pause, then he assures softly:] You can vent however you'd like. I'm here, Jojo.
I thought he was going to hate me but this is worse...
[There are tears, now. His cheeks are wet, but it's all silent. He doesn't wail or sob or cry out. There just isn't enough room in his eyes to hold them all, that's all it is. They're spilling over because the surface tension isn't enough to keep them in place.]
Just telling him about Jolyne made him run away from me.
[There's still a hiccup of anxiety deep in Adrian's heart, but he finds a familiarity in being stoic, being overly calm.]
We're almost there.
[Fortunately, Adrian's speed makes it an easy thing to get back home. After shifting Jotaro's weight into one arm, he unlocks the door and shoulders it open to head inside.]
[It's embarrassing, though, isn't it? Being carried all the way home. Even if it makes him feel calm, seeing Adrian's strength in action like this, knowing he's wrapped up and cherished and it's safe to not be okay.]
...Yeah. Please don't let me go.
[He doesn't look up, not even to try to spot Trevor the raccoon like he usually does.]
I also haven't experienced death the way he has, only to be told possibly by the person I love that he has a daughter in the future. He might feel inconsequential right now.
[Because Adrian would. He almost did when Jotaro told him. He does a bit right now.]
I'm not saying you were wrong to tell him. But I think there is... much he's dealing with in retrospect.
[Adrian gently shoos Trevor away, going to sit on the couch with Jotaro in his lap.]
[He settles when Adrian sinks down onto the couch, shifting against him so that his weight isn't crushing his thigh, and adjusting until he can get his head on Adrian's shoulder again.]
I just didn't want him to hear about it from anyone but me.
[He closes his eyes.]
I didn't want you to hear about him from anybody but me, either. But I didn't...call you because of that. That wasn't the reason, is what I mean.
[He tries to keep his breathing slow. Tries to reel back some of the pressure in his throat and the heat in his eyes. It works, a little, because Adrian is strong and familiar and close, and he can still pick up the faint scent of roses when he tries.]
I called because I needed you. I just...wanted you to hold on to me, and not let me go. So then maybe I could think that it'll be okay.
Time is what will heal it, I think. But you... should be there when he needs you.
[Though his heart is still troubled, Adrian ultimately chooses between his love for Jotaro and the jealousy he has: he chooses to support Jotaro, to hold him and stroke his back, then reaches up to pet his hair.]
It will be, Jojo. It won't be easy, but it will be okay.
[Isn't that a funny, ironic phrase. Time will heal it. Time is what did it in the first place, isn't it?
Still, thinking of it reminds him of something else, and he rubs his cheek against Adrian's shoulder.]
You know what I keep thinking about. By the fountain, I was thinking.
[The fingers in his hair are so familiar, so soft.]
Remember when you told me that we've known each other longer than you knew Trevor in Wallachia? I realized...I've been yours longer than I've known him.
[It is, on some level, the same question he'd been tripped up on before, months ago. What if I only feel this way because he died? Now Kakyoin is here and he still doesn't have an answer. It didn't feel warm and easy being around him, but how could it, with everything else in the way? It didn't consume him like loving Adrian consumes him.
But Hierophant had wrapped around his wrist.
But he can still hear a smile without even looking.
All of a sudden he feels a pang of deep empathy for Kakyoin needing to run and lock himself in the bathroom and throw up.]
I thought that might be the case. Even in the virtual reality, Hierophant came to help you. Didn't he?
[There's a faint bittersweet smile on his face, but he hand cups Jotaro's cheek tenderly anyway.]
I think it's also very possible he might have similar feelings. But that is not my place to address, regardless. He is a friend of yours, and that's enough to have reason to want to help him.
[He lifts his head enough to look Adrian in the eyes, a little startled, but not enough to draw away from the comforting hand on his cheek.]
I never told you that was — ...you knew?
[It's not that it's a difficult thing to guess, being green and all, but still. Did he tell him? He doesn't remember. Everything is so muddled right now, he can barely remember his own name.]
Yeah. That was Hierophant. He...wasn't there, in the real one.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
But yes. I can do that. I'm on my way.
no subject
i'm by the fountain
where you caught me for dragobete
no subject
All right.
I'll see you there.
no subject
I want to be here for you when you need me, Adrian had told him that night, petting his hair, calming him down. He needs that, right now. He needs to feel something other than scooped-out and exhausted and shaking.
So he sits on the edge of the fountain, knees spread and arms hanging between them, waiting quietly and staring out at nothing at all.]
no subject
Jojo. [He reaches out and touches Jotaro's shoulder.]
When you're ready, we'll go.
no subject
I need you.
[That's enough, isn't it?]
Please. Please. I need you.
no subject
[Turning his head, he gently pecks the top of Jotaro's head, letting him lean his weight into his arms. Adrian considers for a moment, then decides that yes, he will literally carry Jotaro. So he sweeps him up into his arms, like a groom carrying his bride.]
Relax against me. Just focus on my arms holding you, and the night air.
[Whatever's happened, they'll get to it. For now, he wants Jotaro to feel safe.]
no subject
He doesn't do any of those things, but he does know he's supposed to. That's enough to warrant a laugh out of him, even if it doesn't sound altogether full of humor. Even if it shakes like it's halfway to a sob.
Where's your bathroom, Kakyoin had said, and then he'd just run.]
M'sorry.
[It doesn't feel okay, what he's done. It doesn't feel okay to crumble like this right now, either. But for once, he thinks, maybe it's okay to not be okay. Maybe he's allowed to not be okay.]
Hey. You caught me again. Health and good fortune, right...
no subject
[The way Adrian moves is something close to a sprint, yet despite its speed he somehow manages to be graceful, hardly jostling Jotaro. It comes naturally to him, strength and speed all part of his being.
When he can tell they're getting closer to his apartment, he starts to slow down, but the grace does not stop.]
Do you want to talk to me about what happened?
no subject
After a little while, he lifts his head and looks around, blinking when he discovers that they've covered a lot more ground than he realized. Adrian must be worried, to go so fast so nimbly.
He sucks in a deep breath, but doesn't release it again for what feels like a long time.]
They brought Kakyoin here.
[His fingers curl lightly into the fabric of Adrian's shirt, holding on just a little bit tighter.]
He's all fucked up and I can't fix it. I just make it worse.
[This time, when he breathes in, he's sniffling back tears.]
I left him the apartment. So I'm not there. So I'm not making him cry anymore.
no subject
[Though Adrian's steps do not falter, his expression slides into something neutral. His heart sinks a little, not unlike the way he felt cold and distant as he watched Trevor and Sypha ride off on their wagon together to horizons unknown, their adventures waiting for them. It's an irrational panic, his mind wondering is this it, am I going to be replaced, or was I stand-in? No, he knows Jotaro wouldn't, but his heart suddenly feels so heavy--
But then he remembers Jotaro's pain, which is infinitely more important.]
Tell me more when you've calmed.
[There's a pause, then he assures softly:] You can vent however you'd like. I'm here, Jojo.
no subject
[There are tears, now. His cheeks are wet, but it's all silent. He doesn't wail or sob or cry out. There just isn't enough room in his eyes to hold them all, that's all it is. They're spilling over because the surface tension isn't enough to keep them in place.]
Just telling him about Jolyne made him run away from me.
no subject
[There's still a hiccup of anxiety deep in Adrian's heart, but he finds a familiarity in being stoic, being overly calm.]
We're almost there.
[Fortunately, Adrian's speed makes it an easy thing to get back home. After shifting Jotaro's weight into one arm, he unlocks the door and shoulders it open to head inside.]
Do you want me to keep holding you?
no subject
[It's embarrassing, though, isn't it? Being carried all the way home. Even if it makes him feel calm, seeing Adrian's strength in action like this, knowing he's wrapped up and cherished and it's safe to not be okay.]
...Yeah. Please don't let me go.
[He doesn't look up, not even to try to spot Trevor the raccoon like he usually does.]
Whatever you want. Just stay with me.
no subject
[Because Adrian would. He almost did when Jotaro told him. He does a bit right now.]
I'm not saying you were wrong to tell him. But I think there is... much he's dealing with in retrospect.
[Adrian gently shoos Trevor away, going to sit on the couch with Jotaro in his lap.]
no subject
I just didn't want him to hear about it from anyone but me.
[He closes his eyes.]
I didn't want you to hear about him from anybody but me, either. But I didn't...call you because of that. That wasn't the reason, is what I mean.
no subject
[He laughs dryly.]
Then what was the reason?
no subject
[He tries to keep his breathing slow. Tries to reel back some of the pressure in his throat and the heat in his eyes. It works, a little, because Adrian is strong and familiar and close, and he can still pick up the faint scent of roses when he tries.]
I called because I needed you. I just...wanted you to hold on to me, and not let me go. So then maybe I could think that it'll be okay.
no subject
[Though his heart is still troubled, Adrian ultimately chooses between his love for Jotaro and the jealousy he has: he chooses to support Jotaro, to hold him and stroke his back, then reaches up to pet his hair.]
It will be, Jojo. It won't be easy, but it will be okay.
no subject
Still, thinking of it reminds him of something else, and he rubs his cheek against Adrian's shoulder.]
You know what I keep thinking about. By the fountain, I was thinking.
[The fingers in his hair are so familiar, so soft.]
Remember when you told me that we've known each other longer than you knew Trevor in Wallachia? I realized...I've been yours longer than I've known him.
no subject
[He laughs softly, but not with much humor in it. It's like an idle sound, his mind thinking about the entire matter.]
But you still love him. Don't you? I'm not asking to hurt you. But I suspect that it must be true. I would not begrudge you or him for that.
no subject
[It is, on some level, the same question he'd been tripped up on before, months ago. What if I only feel this way because he died? Now Kakyoin is here and he still doesn't have an answer. It didn't feel warm and easy being around him, but how could it, with everything else in the way? It didn't consume him like loving Adrian consumes him.
But Hierophant had wrapped around his wrist.
But he can still hear a smile without even looking.
All of a sudden he feels a pang of deep empathy for Kakyoin needing to run and lock himself in the bathroom and throw up.]
I might.
no subject
[There's a faint bittersweet smile on his face, but he hand cups Jotaro's cheek tenderly anyway.]
I think it's also very possible he might have similar feelings. But that is not my place to address, regardless. He is a friend of yours, and that's enough to have reason to want to help him.
no subject
I never told you that was — ...you knew?
[It's not that it's a difficult thing to guess, being green and all, but still. Did he tell him? He doesn't remember. Everything is so muddled right now, he can barely remember his own name.]
Yeah. That was Hierophant. He...wasn't there, in the real one.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)