[The position is fine, and Adrian's fingers continue to work along Jotaro's scalp fondly.]
I think you were born because your parents loved each other terribly. [That part is said wryly, but he does turn more serious as it is needed.]
Jojo, when I think of myself in terms of who had to fight Dracula, who had to kill him, I would... often wonder if it could have been different. That I wish it was someone else who could've staked him. The circumstances are different between us, but I understand a bit how you might be thinking about it. Was it fate that I had to do this? Was I destined to endure these hardships?
The truth is that there are infinite possibilities of what could have happened. I am only sorry that you suffered as you had, and that the responsibility was placed onto you. It's unfair, there is no other way to put it. But I also do think there were other chances that it was someone else in your shoes.
[What a boy remark to make. At least it's a sign that maybe he's feeling a little better, though.]
I think...if it'd had to be me, that would be okay. One guy for the whole world. When I think about it like that, it feels like I could be okay with it. It just makes sense.
[He huffs softly; after a minute, one of his previously-steady breaths turns into a shaky sniffle.]
But if I'm okay with it, then why does dying still scare me so much?
I know it's shocking, but people have sex to reproduce.
[But he's glad that Jotaro is being more like himself. If nothing else, there is that. Adrian smiles for a moment, but it does fade as they go back to the topic at hand.]
Because there is so much to lose.
Before we became close, I was... so content to just let myself sleep. I knew what it meant. But now I cannot imagine returning to that mindset. I can't bear the idea of losing you or anyone else. All of those experiences to share. To laugh together, to create things together, whether it's art or studying a fascinating piece of history, or watching the stars next to each other.
Those are the things I'm scared of losing. I don't know if that's true for you too. But that's how it is for me.
You better not get pregnant from that time you had a...you know. No reproducing.
[YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER AND SHE'S PHYSICALLY IN THE CITY YOU DISASTER.]
I wonder if that's what you think about, when you're dying. All the things you're losing. I don't remember anything I was thinking while I was fighting Dio. I mean...I know I thought things. I just can't remember any of it.
[Vaguely, it occurs to him that maybe there's a connection between those two seemingly unrelated things. Things he's blocked out, and the dreams he sometimes has.]
Not that it'd be so bad, I guess. You'd be a good dad. Mom. Dmom. Whatever. You're the mom, you're fussy.
[Even in Sanguis, even with his natural temperature running cooler than a human's, the hand on his side feels warm. The kind of warmth born of safety, not of heat or cold.]
Can you keep doing that? Um...touching me. It's...I like it.
[His breathing comes slower now, deeper with each rise and fall of his chest. Gradually, his fingers find their way to Adrian's knee and brush against it, tracing aimlessly.]
Yeah. I'm not...dunno. Not so keyed up anymore. Safe. ...Feels safe.
[His wolf ears twitch a little, and his tail thumps approvingly. He seems to bask in the attention, tongue loosening the more he unwinds.]
Hey. You knew Avdol...he's not here anymore. I found out the other day. Maybe that's what's got me thinking about Dio again, too. Because I'm the last one left, now. Like I was then.
[Unexpectedly, his tail thumps against the mattress while one of his legs twitches — what might've been a reflexive kick, if he weren't a fully-grown guy the size of a refrigerator. Not unlike what a puppy might do, perhaps, while his sensitive ears were played with.]
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I guess it hasn't really sunk in yet. Like...I've been telling people and trying to help keep his husband together, all the things he'd want me to do, but...
It's like, if I went over there right now, he'd still be there. Or at his shop. It doesn't...it doesn't feel like he's really gone.
[Of course, there would be Avdol's husband to be concerned with. But that isn't something that Adrian can handle. Instead, he focuses on Jotaro, stroking his hair.]
Those places are as if they are haunted, in a way. All of their belongings undisturbed, shown as if they were still living there. It's understandable.
[A hard question to ask. Something he dreads a bit, but has to remind himself that he has time, infinite time to find Jotaro. That's luckier than most.]
Don't keep a shrine of me. Perhaps a keepsake, at most. Remember me, but do not dwell. [Not as Adrian would.]
Have Star open my nightstand. There's a ring inside.
It was Father's. Keep it, and know that no matter where I am, I am thinking of you.
I don't want to have to guess. That's why I'm asking.
[A clumsy explanation, and he knows it, so after a moment he tries again, wanting to be understood.]
I don't want it to be "that thing I should've asked but never did". I don't want to wind up...without you...and have to hope I guess it right, what you would have wanted. I'd never be sure I wasn't getting it wrong.
[He reaches up blindly, searching for one of Adrian's hands so that he can weave their fingers together and hold it.]
Nobody's ever loved me the way that you love me, Adrian. I'll never forget that.
...Then perhaps we should voice lingering doubts. Just in case.
[Adrian squeezes his hand, letting their fingers intertwine.]
I have loved before, but I have never loved so deeply before you. And I will continue to love you, even if we are separated. But I... refuse to end up anything like Father had.
Though there will always be the question on my mind that I cannot help -- am I enough? Not for anything you have done or said, but it's-- me. And I will wonder that too.
[Truthfully, Adrian has ever rarely felt like he was enough. He hadn't been enough for Dracula when he decided to wage war on humanity, nor enough for Trevor and Sypha to stay with him. Not enough for Taka and Sumi to trust him, to love him.
Jotaro's never given such an indication, and he does trust him, but those experiences have cut him deeply.]
You've been painting a lot more. It's good. There should be things you live for other than me. Things that make it worth getting up in the morning.
[It's strange, maybe. This isn't at all how he thought this night was going to end up, and yet...there's something oddly cathartic about this conversation. It's a sad conversation, and a frightening one, but it's better than pretending that separation isn't a possibility until long after it's too late.]
In my room, there's a book. A notebook. If I disappear, find it and read it. It's about you. And take all my clothes, if I even have any left that you haven't already stolen by then. And...
[He quiets.]
Remember...how much I liked being close to you. Remember that to me, you were always warm.
I'm still trying to find something that feels like it fits me. The art is fine enough. Perhaps I will find something that roots me better here.
[The sentiment is sweet. To find a book full of Jotaro's thoughts, the comfort of his clothing. His smell.]
Then I want you remember how you make me smile and laugh. Especially when you're being a bastard. [Wryly, he adds:] Shall I leave you poetry to find? Perhaps a treasure hunt, should I ever disappear.
But know this: even if I do leave Lunatia in some way, I will always do everything I can to find you again. Hell knows I've the time.
You were pretty good at scooping ice cream. Maybe your roots are in customer service.
[Speaking of setting out to make him smile and laugh.]
... Would you really do that for me? A treasure hunt sounds like...
[His face heats a little, but he lifts his head enough that he can regard Adrian seriously through soft green eyes.]
You'd get to say goodbye in your own way, if you did that. You'd get to choose the last thing you said to me. Not just have it fall to chance. Please...?
[For the more serious topic, he watches Jotaro, a soft smile on his face.]
A treasure hunt for my balaur. It sounds very suitable.
I'd get to leave you clues and rude things to read. [Adrian leans down, kissing his forehead.] But maybe I'll say nice things as well in my notes for you.
I know you're being a bastard, but...hearing that — it makes me feel a lot calmer.
[He's tempted to settle back down into Adrian's lap again, being comfortable there was he was, but it turns out he decides he'd also like a kiss, so he moves to reach for that first.]
I don't want you to go without saying goodbye. I don't want you to go at all, but — you know what I mean.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I think you were born because your parents loved each other terribly. [That part is said wryly, but he does turn more serious as it is needed.]
Jojo, when I think of myself in terms of who had to fight Dracula, who had to kill him, I would... often wonder if it could have been different. That I wish it was someone else who could've staked him. The circumstances are different between us, but I understand a bit how you might be thinking about it. Was it fate that I had to do this? Was I destined to endure these hardships?
The truth is that there are infinite possibilities of what could have happened. I am only sorry that you suffered as you had, and that the responsibility was placed onto you. It's unfair, there is no other way to put it. But I also do think there were other chances that it was someone else in your shoes.
no subject
[What a boy remark to make. At least it's a sign that maybe he's feeling a little better, though.]
I think...if it'd had to be me, that would be okay. One guy for the whole world. When I think about it like that, it feels like I could be okay with it. It just makes sense.
[He huffs softly; after a minute, one of his previously-steady breaths turns into a shaky sniffle.]
But if I'm okay with it, then why does dying still scare me so much?
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[But he's glad that Jotaro is being more like himself. If nothing else, there is that. Adrian smiles for a moment, but it does fade as they go back to the topic at hand.]
Because there is so much to lose.
Before we became close, I was... so content to just let myself sleep. I knew what it meant. But now I cannot imagine returning to that mindset. I can't bear the idea of losing you or anyone else. All of those experiences to share. To laugh together, to create things together, whether it's art or studying a fascinating piece of history, or watching the stars next to each other.
Those are the things I'm scared of losing. I don't know if that's true for you too. But that's how it is for me.
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[YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER AND SHE'S PHYSICALLY IN THE CITY YOU DISASTER.]
I wonder if that's what you think about, when you're dying. All the things you're losing. I don't remember anything I was thinking while I was fighting Dio. I mean...I know I thought things. I just can't remember any of it.
[Vaguely, it occurs to him that maybe there's a connection between those two seemingly unrelated things. Things he's blocked out, and the dreams he sometimes has.]
I'm glad I lived to love you.
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No, I don't think you have to worry about that from me.
[Adrian pauses, then strokes his hand down Jotaro's shoulders, his waist, then rests the palm there.]
I couldn't say. It depends, I suppose. But you were in such a situation that I don't think you could be blamed for forgetting.
[He smiles down at Jotaro, adoringly.]
As am I. And I'm glad I stayed awake to know you, and be with you.
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[Even in Sanguis, even with his natural temperature running cooler than a human's, the hand on his side feels warm. The kind of warmth born of safety, not of heat or cold.]
Can you keep doing that? Um...touching me. It's...I like it.
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[Slowly, his hand continues, stroking down Jotaro's side.]
Of course.
Do you feel any better?
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[His breathing comes slower now, deeper with each rise and fall of his chest. Gradually, his fingers find their way to Adrian's knee and brush against it, tracing aimlessly.]
Yeah. I'm not...dunno. Not so keyed up anymore. Safe. ...Feels safe.
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[He brushes Jotaro's hair back from his eyes.]
Good. I'd do anything to keep you safe, Jojo. Even if it's from yourself.
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[His wolf ears twitch a little, and his tail thumps approvingly. He seems to bask in the attention, tongue loosening the more he unwinds.]
Hey. You knew Avdol...he's not here anymore. I found out the other day. Maybe that's what's got me thinking about Dio again, too. Because I'm the last one left, now. Like I was then.
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[He gently tugs at a wolfish ear, rubbing it affectionately between a finger and thumb.]
But you aren't alone. You know that, I hope.
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[Unexpectedly, his tail thumps against the mattress while one of his legs twitches — what might've been a reflexive kick, if he weren't a fully-grown guy the size of a refrigerator. Not unlike what a puppy might do, perhaps, while his sensitive ears were played with.]
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I guess it hasn't really sunk in yet. Like...I've been telling people and trying to help keep his husband together, all the things he'd want me to do, but...
It's like, if I went over there right now, he'd still be there. Or at his shop. It doesn't...it doesn't feel like he's really gone.
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Those places are as if they are haunted, in a way. All of their belongings undisturbed, shown as if they were still living there. It's understandable.
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[He closes his eyes, even as his shoulders tense up a little.]
If that were us...if, I mean, someday. If it were you, going back to Wallachia, and I was still here. What would you want me to do?
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Don't keep a shrine of me. Perhaps a keepsake, at most. Remember me, but do not dwell. [Not as Adrian would.]
Have Star open my nightstand. There's a ring inside.
It was Father's. Keep it, and know that no matter where I am, I am thinking of you.
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[A clumsy explanation, and he knows it, so after a moment he tries again, wanting to be understood.]
I don't want it to be "that thing I should've asked but never did". I don't want to wind up...without you...and have to hope I guess it right, what you would have wanted. I'd never be sure I wasn't getting it wrong.
[He reaches up blindly, searching for one of Adrian's hands so that he can weave their fingers together and hold it.]
Nobody's ever loved me the way that you love me, Adrian. I'll never forget that.
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[Adrian squeezes his hand, letting their fingers intertwine.]
I have loved before, but I have never loved so deeply before you. And I will continue to love you, even if we are separated. But I... refuse to end up anything like Father had.
Though there will always be the question on my mind that I cannot help -- am I enough? Not for anything you have done or said, but it's-- me. And I will wonder that too.
[Truthfully, Adrian has ever rarely felt like he was enough. He hadn't been enough for Dracula when he decided to wage war on humanity, nor enough for Trevor and Sypha to stay with him. Not enough for Taka and Sumi to trust him, to love him.
Jotaro's never given such an indication, and he does trust him, but those experiences have cut him deeply.]
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[It's strange, maybe. This isn't at all how he thought this night was going to end up, and yet...there's something oddly cathartic about this conversation. It's a sad conversation, and a frightening one, but it's better than pretending that separation isn't a possibility until long after it's too late.]
In my room, there's a book. A notebook. If I disappear, find it and read it. It's about you. And take all my clothes, if I even have any left that you haven't already stolen by then. And...
[He quiets.]
Remember...how much I liked being close to you. Remember that to me, you were always warm.
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[The sentiment is sweet. To find a book full of Jotaro's thoughts, the comfort of his clothing. His smell.]
Then I want you remember how you make me smile and laugh. Especially when you're being a bastard. [Wryly, he adds:] Shall I leave you poetry to find? Perhaps a treasure hunt, should I ever disappear.
But know this: even if I do leave Lunatia in some way, I will always do everything I can to find you again. Hell knows I've the time.
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[Speaking of setting out to make him smile and laugh.]
... Would you really do that for me? A treasure hunt sounds like...
[His face heats a little, but he lifts his head enough that he can regard Adrian seriously through soft green eyes.]
You'd get to say goodbye in your own way, if you did that. You'd get to choose the last thing you said to me. Not just have it fall to chance. Please...?
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[For the more serious topic, he watches Jotaro, a soft smile on his face.]
A treasure hunt for my balaur. It sounds very suitable.
I'd get to leave you clues and rude things to read. [Adrian leans down, kissing his forehead.] But maybe I'll say nice things as well in my notes for you.
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[He's tempted to settle back down into Adrian's lap again, being comfortable there was he was, but it turns out he decides he'd also like a kiss, so he moves to reach for that first.]
I don't want you to go without saying goodbye. I don't want you to go at all, but — you know what I mean.